The Kutilang Saga

[DJ_AI$]

Hello all,

Many moons ago, I was sponsored by Dell™ Computers to play dota. Every game I played that I promoted Dell™ in, I got money. Well I got pretty famous for this on Euro Bnet, and so I started getting all kinds of inquiries about it. How could others achieve this same great feat?

A young man with the screenname "Kutilang" was one such gentleman asking these questions. I told him he could send an e-mail to the Dell™ recruiter and hope for the best. This was the start of an event I call: The Kutilang Saga. I'm going to show you all the full e-mails that were sent back and forth. All completely original and unedited.

Any comments I want to make will be in square brackets [ ]

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FIRST E-MAIL RECEIVED:
hello
i heard from my friend at dota europe pvpgn with id icewithcoffee that he get paid by sponsoring dell at dota game by sending replay. is that really works?
and how i can do that too?

can u tell me steps of doing that?

thanks
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MY REPLY:
Hi Daniel,

Yes we do sponsor players to advertise our company on Europe PVPGN server. You are in luck as we have a number of positions that just opened up. If you would like to apply, please send us the following:

1. Your age
2. The country you live in
3. Your experience (How long have you been playing DotA, since which version?)
4. A brief biography of yourself, what you like to do, what subjects interest you in school (if you are in school), what you do for work, what gender you are physically attracted to, things like that. This should be about 150 to 200 words.
5. How much you think is fair for you to get paid per game of DotA.

If you pass the screening process after that, I will send you further instructions. You can send your reply to this address.

Thanks,

Dell™ Recruiting Team
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[DJ_AI$]

AND HIS REPLY:
(question no.1-3) I'm 18 living in the USA. i've been playing dota for 1 years and since version 6.41 i guess.

I'm originally from indonesia, and i went to USA for study right after i graduated from senior high school. I've been here for about 6 months. I like to read japanese comic books, watching football( british footbal ofcourse, not american football), and have interest in tropical fish. The most important thing is playing dota of course! I play about 15 games per week. I have some skills in macromedia flash and adobe photoshop [Important later], since i used to be a cleaner for manga group which called illuminati-manga. When i was high school, the best subject i could do is math, english, and computer. About my dota skills, i guess i'm good enough for owning so i can promote people to use DELL, since my laptop is also DELL and i satisfy with it's performance. I hope this will cover all information you need from me.

5. $6/game would be good [I told him I get $7 per game, notice he went for high-conservative - how cunning]
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AND AGAIN MY REPLY:
Hi,

If you are receiving this e-mail, congratulations! You have passed Round 1 of the screening process and are ready for the 2nd and final Round. We are deciding among 5 different candidates. What we would like you to do next is to show us your creative powers in the field of advertising. We would like from you a drawing, made in Adobe Photoshop or MSPaint, with any kind of picture you like, but it must contain the phrase "DELL PEENS ME" in an important position (the center, most likely). Whoever has the best picture to prove their advertising creativity and Dell-dedication will be selected for sponsorship. CONGRATULATIONS AGAIN AND GOOD LUCK TO ALL!

Thanks,

The Dell™ Recruitment Manager
Ian Braithwaite
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HE SENT ME AN E-MAIL BACK WITH JUST THE FOLLOWING PICTURE ATTACHED, NO TEXT AT ALL LOL [Here is where the ca$h starts]

[DJ_AI$]

ME AGAIN:
Hi,

Round 2 was supposed to be where we made our final decision on who gets the sponsorship and the brand new, latest Vostro™ PC. However, 2 candidates provided EXCELLENT photoshop drawings and so there is a tie. We need further evidence of your advertising ability, creativity, and dedication to Dell™. You are one of these candidates and so we ask that you: create an animation using a program like Macromedia Flash or something similar, it should have crazy sounds, fun animations, maybe anime style, and should show us how much you really like Dell™. It should be a minute or 2 minutes long, and can be sent to us in any format. These animations will be the final test.

Good luck,

Dell™ Recruiter
Ian Braithwaite
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FOLLOW-UP E-MAIL:

as an additional note to our last message, the central theme of the animation should be the phrase: Dell Peens Me. The more you include this in a creative way, with nice sounds, the better your chances will be.

Thanks,

Dell Recruiter
Ian Braithwaite
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[At this point he didn't send anything for a long time, so I found him on EuroBnet and asked him how things were going with the Dell™ recruiting, and he said it was kinda difficult for him to proceed, they asked for something he can't really deliver. So I told him they're pretty understanding and maybe you can get them to change it]

HIS BREAK-THE-SILENCE E-MAIL:

could you change the requirement? it's to difficult for me to make 2 mins animation.

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[DJ_AI$]

ME AGAIN:
Hi,

That was just a basic guideline, we understand that it may be shorter --- we still haven't received an animation from the other candidate so if you just do your best, anything works, you're probably guaranteed the position anyway.

Thanks,

Dell™ Recruiter
Ian Braithwaite


[After this there were many days of silence from his end, so I decided to do a little prompting]
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MY FOLLOW-UP:
Hi Daniel,

We are awaiting your animation, I trust it is near completion. In the meantime can you send us your PayPal account if you have one, and a recent replay of you playing on EuroBattle.net where you tell the opposing team to use Dell PCs?

Thanks,

Dell™ Recruiter
Ian Braithwaite
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HIS REPLY:
btw, can you change the animation? because i'm not that good enough too make animation using flash.

[DJ_AI$]

ME AGAIN:

[I figured when I asked for it that the animation was a bit too much, but I wanted to see if I could get away with it. Plus I didn't really know how hard it would be to make an animation, and I wanted to see some crazy-ass japaniporn cartoon yelling DELL PEENS ME. In continuing with pushing the limits of fraud, I made the following request:]

Hi Daniel,

Okay that is fair, don't worry about the animation. Instead, you can record yourself saying "Dell Peens Me" in 5 different ways. You can use different voice, sound editing software if you want, say it in a deep voice, say it in a high-pitched voice, things like that.

We will need a replay from you as well, and do you have a PayPal account?

Thanks,

Dell™ Recruiter
Ian Braithwaite
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HIS RESPONSE:
[I wasn't sure if he'd actually do that, I mean I'd feel like a douche recording myself saying stupid shit into a mic and sending it to some guy with a Gmail account that claims to be a Dell™ recruiter to sponsor amateur players on a cracked server, but then:]

there it is.

and my paypal id is : xxxxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.com

[To this e-mail was attached a file called Sound.rar. I cannot begin to describe what was contained in Sound.rar, so I'll just give it to you.]

[DJ_AI$]

MY REPLY:

Daniel,

Congratulations, we've selected you for the sponsorship! We are impressed with your creative abilities [LOL yeah right, he just copied everything I suggested and he even almost has a duplicate in there] and dedication to Dell™. We are excited to see your first replay, as soon as you can send that, we can get things rolling.

Thanks,

Dell™ Recruiter
Ian Braithwaite
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HIM:
here's the replay of my game where i hosted the game and promote DELL.
hope it's enough for you.

btw, when are you going to pay me? and do you accept as much replay as possible?

[With the following attachment - it might be unviewable cuz from a different patch on W3, or at the very least a much older version of dota]
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[DJ_AI$]

MY COMMENTS ON HIS REPLAY:

Hi Daniel,

That replay was very good, you obviously have much dota skill, and you represented Dell™ very well. However, you only really got into advertising the Dell™ name in the last few minutes. You made some small comments throughout the game though. This is why we needed someone so creative (which you proved through your drawing and sound clips). You should be telling the players how good Dell™ is about once every minute, do it very frequently. Definitely every time you get a kill, but even when you are just playing the game normally as well. This is a great first try, and you will definitely learn to improve as you get experience. We pay on a 2 week schedule and you're coming up on the cusp of a new cycle. If you can get us a better replay with more Dell Power, we can probably fit it in on this pay cycle.

[This was a beauty ruse by me. I had like $8 in my paypal account, cuz I bought something on e-bay (a rare CD), and when I got it, it was obviously fake, so I made the sender gimme a full refund, or I'd post negative feedback. So my plan was to get him 1 replay with my $8 (or $6 that he asked for lol) and then get him thinking "wow this is legit" and string him along for 2 full weeks of trolling before he hits another payday.]

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HIS REPLY:
here's another replay. I hope this one qualified enough.
Anyway, can you tell me the exact date i would get paid? and do i get paid based on how many replays i sent to you?

[With the following attachment, same viewability rules apply - if you can't view them tell me and I'll give a run-down of some of the stuff he was doing]

[DJ_AI$]

MY NEXT ESCALATION:

Daniel,

WOW! What an improvement! That replay contained EXACTLY what we were looking for. However, you only started giving the good lines at 30 minutes and onward. I will qualify this replay as one for payment, our payment cycle ends on Thursday so you will be paid in the next few days, and subsequent replays will count for the next cycle. In your next replay make sure you are delivering that kind of quality (the kind you had from 30 minutes onward) throughout the entire game, and those are the high quality replays. I'm very impressed that you learned the skill in just 2 attempts, I knew we picked the right player for the sponsorship.

For your next replay we have a special request: paki PCs ("paki" is current slang for "Hewlett Packard") have been gaining some popularity in the European market and we want to stop this, and this is why we pay you. If you could spam (copy+paste many times) the phrase "Pakis suck" or "fuck pakis" during your next replay, that'd really help us out.

Thanks again,

Dell™ Recruiter
Ian Braithwaite

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HIS REPLY:

I've received your payment. Thanks for that.
Anyway. I think it's not right to say something bad about Hewleet Packard withouht any proof and i can't do that. All I can do is just promoting people, by telling them "What is DELL", not saying "PAKI SUCKS". If you feel comfortable with my idea, please let me know and i will send another replay.
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MY REPLY:

Hi Daniel,

Well of course promoting DELL™ is our number 1 goal, however it would help greatly if you could discourage the use of pakis somehow. If you're not comfortable saying pakis suck, then maybe you could say "DELL OWNS PAKIS", if you're confident that Dell™ is a much better brand than pakis (as your laptop is Dell™ and not paki). Try another replay with that, it will surely qualify.

Thanks,

Ian Braithwaite
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HIM AGAIN:

here's another replay.
btw, do you mind to show me a proof that you are a real DELL recruiting person?
and won't harm me with the replay i gave to you. [damn...I'm in trouble lol]

[Replay Attached]

[DJ_AI$]

AND ME AGAIN:
Hi Daniel,

WOW!!! Again! This is amazing material. You've really done an outstanding job here. I'm recommending you for a raise to $7/game because we really appreciate your work already. Most people take a month or two to learn the skills you have honed over 3 games. "Dell pawns pakis very hard" was a great line. We knew you were creative by your drawing and voice clips, and this is why we needed you to be that. When you started spamming at the end "pawned by DELL" that was GREAT material. If you could spam "Dell pawns pakis very hard" like that, maybe in the game when you start really pawning, that would be fantastic. I will definitely qualify this replay (for $6 this time, because the raise will not take effect until it is approved by my superiors), so your current total for the next pay cycle is $6. And I don't really see how I can use this replay to harm you, or why I would get you paid from DELL and then have you harmed, and I'm a little disappointed that you would suggest that, but I understand you may want to be careful with something like a public sponsorship.

Thanks,

Ian Braithwaite
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HIS REPLY:

well, if you are a really dell worker, can you send me an email using your dell email? so i can make sure of that.
[gonna have to get creative here lol, I've been sending all of these from a random Gmail account]

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MY DAMAGE CONTROL:

[This was sent on December 30th, 2007.]

Okay that is fine, I'll be out of the office for the holidays [and somehow can't access my e-mail when not in the office lol], but as soon as I get back I'll send you an e-mail. But the fact that we don't have a trust level high enough to not require this is a little worrying, I need to be able to trust my sponsors --- for instance, how do I know you're sending me these replays from Eurobattle.net and not from a Blizzard server?

Thanks,
Ian Braithwaite

[And he was silent again for a while after this one lol]
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FOLLOW-UP FROM ME:

Hi Daniel,

We haven't receive a replay from you in several days. While there is no minimum number of replays to be sent, we do expect that you are an active sender. We chose you for sponsorship in 1 of a very limited number of spots, and if you are tying up that spot without producing any replays, we may have to look for someone else. This is obviously undesireable as you have sent us some high quality material on your last replay. We realize it is the holiday season so please, do what you can.

Thanks,

Ian Braithwaite
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HIS REPLY:

I really want to send you a replay, but from the last email that i sent you, asked if you can sent me your "dell" official email. since i'm afraid if it could harm me if you're not real dell recruiting team.
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MY REPLY:

I told you I would send that when I get back into the office. I'm curious, I have gotten you paid and you don't trust I'm a real Dell™ recruiter? How exactly would I harm you? This is the lack of trust I'm disappointed with.

Ian Braithwaite

[After this he stopped sending replays and any kind of humorous material, so I just stopped sending him e-mails (I was on vacation from the office forever lol.) And he never made contact again. I found him on the server like a few months later and asked him how thing's were going with the sponsorship and he just seemed kinda quiet about the whole thing lol...I think he's on to me! Anyways, this is one of my most epic trolls, and I just posted it for your reading pleasure, hope you enjoyed, and maybe even learned something]

[JohnStockton]

That...was ownage at its best. How retarded do you have to be in order to belive that someone is getting payed for spamming shit on a voodoo server...:confused:

[JohnStockton]

and the sounds............................................

[RichardNixon]

and the sounds............................................

The high-pitched one was the fucking best.

I looped it for like 20 minutes no joke.

[kidhax]

too epic, sticky this

[RichardNixon]

too epic, sticky this

I'm sure the replies will keep this stickied :)

[JohnMadden]

+49 rep for ice,
-99 rep for kutilang, fucking retarded indonesian bastard.

[DJ_AI$]

NICE maybe I can be a mod some day!!

[painful]

LMAO. i listened to the sounds 10 mins ago and im still hard laughing.

[CandyMan23]

WOW what a fucking idiot u really did a good yob on this guy. dell peens me that is classik

[KoleTesla]

I will report ais in tha police .

[kidhax]

I will report ais in tha police .

This is the police, Ais has been reported.

[hoopz23]

wow ais, u never seem to fail to amuse me. :D

i think it's hilarious how he only started to doubt u once he got paid. :confused: